Alive
by ladygris
Summary: Daniel copes with eight years in the Stargate Program.  Tag to "Threads."


**Disclaimer****:** I own nothing related to Stargate: SG-1 or any of its characters. I'm just playing in their sandbox.

**Author's Note:** As I was watching the episode "Threads" recently, I was struck by the emotional impact the story must have had, particularly on Daniel. After all, he returned to human form at the end of the episode following some pretty interesting revelations about Anubis. So, this is a combination of me thinking as I get ready for a new story and how he must have felt. Contains spoilers for "Forever in a Day," "Heroes," "Chimera," and anything up to and including the Season Eight closer, "Moebius." As always, hope you enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Leaving the SGC that night felt surreal. Daniel Jackson climbed into his silver Jeep Wrangler, taking a moment to appreciate its lines and the clean interior. It really was the perfect vehicle for him. Off-roading and driving through rough terrain to archaeological digs was much easier and more comfortable in this thing, though he'd never trade feeling the hot desert breeze through his hair as he approached an Egyptian pyramid. Some things, no matter how nice, just weren't worth the price they required.

With a deep sigh, Daniel turned into a gas station and pulled out his credit card. Such an action seemed foreign, off, like he was supposed to be doing something else. And maybe he was. But he wasn't about to just abandon his friends to their fate, not when he had a chance to do something to help them. Besides, what good was being ascended when all he could do was watch? And create the odd lightning storm to amuse himself on an uninhabited planet?

Daniel rolled his eyes as he finished filling his gas tank. Jack was definitely wearing off on him. Climbing back into the Jeep, he turned south—the exact opposite direction from home—and drove onto I-25. It was a pleasant sixty-eight degrees tonight, quite warm for the season, and he rolled down all four windows. He had nothing in the Jeep with him, save for a duffel bag full of stuff from his locker, and he smiled as the cool air whipped around his face. Normally, this irritated him, but tonight was different.

Tonight, he needed to think. Most of the time, he did so by going to one archaeological dig or another, whether on Earth or not. But he couldn't do that this time. He'd been gone for over a week, a time during which Sam had lost her father and they thought he was dead. But he had all of his memories this time. He knew what had happened to him.

Oma had offered him ascension. He clearly remembered sitting across from her in the diner, talking about her mistake with Anubis and how unfair it was that the other Ancients were still punishing her after she'd learned her lesson. He could also recall how she had sacrificed herself, engaging Anubis in eternal battle until he could do nothing save fight her, leaving the lower planes of existence to those who actually lived there. That was when he decided to ascend and retake human form. He could have just done without landing on Jack's desk in the middle of a briefing with Bra'tac, Teal'c, Sam, and Jack. At least Jack hadn't been sitting at the desk doing paperwork when it happened.

"Now _that_ would have been awkward," Daniel muttered as his tires ate up the road. For a moment, he allowed a half-embarrassed, half-amused grin as he tried to figure out exactly what Jack would have done if he'd appeared completely naked on the general's desk as Jack was filling out some requisition form or another. Then, he shuddered. It was bad enough they'd stared at him with that flag wrapped around his waist. He didn't want himself or Jack scarred for life from that one incident.

His mind moved on from that moment as he drove. He thought over the last eight years, over the people lost and decisions made. When he'd joined the SGC, it was to find his wife and free her from the Goa'uld. As she was dying, Sha're had given him the information he needed to keep going. _Find the boy._ Even now, it echoed in his head. After that, it was one Goa'uld System Lord after another, leaving him no time to reflect and truly figure out what he should be doing.

What had the Stargate Program cost him? Daniel put his thoughts on hold as he stopped for a cup of coffee in Trinidad, sipping the hot brew as he drove over Raton Pass and into New Mexico. The Stargate Program had widowed him, leaving him to face loss time and time again. In addition to losing Sha're, he'd lost two other women he had loved. Sarah Gardner, taken as host to Osiris and later freed, had walked away from him a little over a year ago. Granted, he'd loved her in the past but had barely rekindled anything when Osiris commandeered her body. And, a bit more recently, the death of Janet Frasier. While Daniel hadn't said anything, he'd loved Janet fiercely. Now, he regretted not telling her anything, not taking her out to dinner or spending more time with Cassie or even just being there when she needed to talk. His past experiences with Sha're and Sarah left him gun shy, unable to reach out for fear that someone he loved would be ripped from him. And who could blame him? He'd spent the last eight years facing loss after loss after loss and never slowing down to think about what each one meant to him.

Now, he decided he couldn't ignore it any longer. His time in that ascended diner had given him perspective. The Ancients weren't going to help normal humans now any more than they had in the past. They saw themselves as above lowers, and that made them arrogant, self-centered, and the complete opposite of anything Daniel Jackson wanted to become. No, he likely wouldn't ascend again, not with Oma no longer around to help him. Besides, even if given a chance, he knew the price. And it was too high.

Sighing deeply, Daniel pulled into a Best Western when his thoughts started repeating themselves. Jack had approved a week of leave, and Daniel had told the general of his plans to spend that week alone. When he decided to leave Colorado Springs, he'd not told anyone where he was going just so they wouldn't hover. He wasn't suicidal or ill or unstable; he just needed time. After checking in to the hotel, he collapsed onto the bed fully clothed and fell asleep.

He woke hours later to the setting sun coming through his window. He'd made it to Santa Fe, New Mexico, a city filled with history. Normally, the thought of exploring that history would excite him, but he wasn't in the mood for historical tourist spots. Nor did he want to delve into any kind of archaeological find. Otherwise, he would have diverted to Taos to visit the pueblo there. No, he still needed time. Climbing back into his Jeep, he again headed south on I-25.

So, what now? The question rolled around in his head as he ate a light dinner and sipped another cup of strong coffee. Did he rejoin SG-1 and continue going through the Stargate, or did he find his own path? After all, Sha're was found, Apophis was dead, the Harcesis had been located and safely given over to the Ancients, the Goa'uld System Lords were defeated, Anubis was occupied, and the Replicators were destroyed. How many more bad guys did he have it in him to face? Or should he face any more of them? After going through the Stargate to other worlds, settling into the life of an archaeologist on Earth, while appealing, just didn't hold the attraction it once had. And the one place he'd always thought he'd retire to—Abydos—had been destroyed by Anubis almost two years ago. What was left?

Atlantis. The answer came easily as he crested a hill and drove toward Las Cruces, New Mexico. That part of the nation was hot and dry, a desert very different from his home on Abydos but close enough. He could rent a hotel room or cabin in the mountains for a day or two, get his bearings, and return to Colorado Springs. Jack had to let him go to Atlantis after this. Daniel wouldn't give the man a choice. Of course, he needed to find a way to even get to the Pegasus galaxy, provided the Atlantis Expedition was still around. But, the thought kindled the passion for his work that had kept him going all this time. He could learn so much in Atlantis, about the Ancients and technology and ways to defend Earth. And, while he might never join the Ancients again, he could hopefully come to understand them better. Besides, who knew if being around Atlantis and exposed to their technology would trigger some of the buried memories from his year as an ascended being? It was a thought worth exploring.

Finally at his destination in southern New Mexico, Daniel tracked down a secluded cabin in the Sacramento Mountains. Unpacking his duffel bag—which included some dirty clothes—he went to work settling in for his few days of solitude. He logged in to the complimentary wireless network, returning Sam's worried email with one of his own. Jack had also emailed, asking him to come to his cabin and go fishing four days from now. Daniel replied that he'd be there. He wouldn't miss that for the world, though he'd done so on previous occasions. Now, in hindsight, he wondered why he'd put off his friends.

Maybe it was time to re-prioritize his life. Especially with his decision to go to Atlantis. What was _really_ important? Fighting bad guys off world or being with friends? Digging up the latest archaeological find or helping Sam cope with the loss of her father? Translating an Ancient tablet or assisting Teal'c with the new Jaffa nation? When put into perspective, his life felt shallow and self-centered. Just like the Ancients he had derided the night before.

For two more days, Daniel enjoyed the seclusion and quiet in the mountains. He sat on the deck in the evenings, writing in his journal and trying to put everything into its neat little box. He knew he'd have bad guys to fight on Atlantis, that he'd face trials and get caught up in discoveries. But it would be different. He wouldn't leave Earth with the baggage of loss, the grief of not having spent time with friends hanging onto him. He would lay Janet and Sarah and Sha're to rest, always remembering them but never allowing himself to be a captive to their memories. Sha're had waged a war in her own body and had, at the end, won. She was free. Janet had sacrificed her life to save a young airman, and a toddler now bore her name. Her legacy lived on in Cassie, who talked about going to medical school and becoming a doctor like her stepmother. And Sarah. . . .Daniel had lost track of Sarah. She'd disappeared after saying goodbye to him at the SGC. The memories of what Osiris did to her and the Goa'uld atrocities over the centuries had driven enough of a wedge between them that they were no longer anything more than mere acquaintances.

With his two days drawing to a close, Daniel packed his Jeep and turned in the key to the cabin. He thanked the owner, leaving a sizable tip as well. That retreat had been the best thing he could have done. He drove home, all nine hours in one go, just to get enough rest for Jack's little fishing trip. In his apartment, he put his laundry in the washer and dropped into bed. Closing his eyes, he allowed himself to drift to sleep and stay that way for a good long time.

The following day, he met up with Teal'c, and they found Jack and Sam already fishing in the general's fish-less pond. Later, after their return to the SGC, he traveled backward in time to Ancient Egypt, saw history come alive before his eyes, learned of his alternate self's death, helped restore the timeline, and remembered nothing of it. As far as he was concerned, they'd discovered a video camera of the team along with a ZPM. That kindled far more than just excitement around the SGC. It kindled hope in Daniel Jackson's mind. Jack finally agreed to his request since he had been reassigned to Homeworld Security anyway. And Sam took a job working from Area 51 to help Cassie decide on which college would best suit her needs. Teal'c moved to Dakara, and Daniel began preparing for his long trip to Atlantis.

As he packed boxes in his office and carefully considered what he would take to the City of the Ancients, Daniel grinned. He was alive, and life was good.

~Fin~


End file.
